Valentine’s Day Candy Box

First off Russell Stover, I just want to say “You suck”. The way you tempt us chocolate lovers with those tiny box hearts of chocolate pieces each Valentine’s Day is a worst than misleading … it’s a lie. Here is the problem, those little boxes are totally comprised of your leftovers. Don’t try to deny it.

I won the box above as a prize Saturday night. I would never have actually paid for that box, because I’ve been fooled before … a few times. The worst pieces are the coconut ones. I’m sorry but no amount of chocolate is going to make a glob of coconut goo taste better to me. I can usually sniff those out through their chocolate casing and avoid them.

Saturday night in the car on the way home, I busted into the box. I fumbled around in the dark trying to discern the tastiest piece by feel. I finally fished out a piece and sniffed it. Confident it was coconut free, I munched it in half. You guessed it, coconut. I all but spewed it over my dashboard. I rolled down the window and tossed the chewed and unchewed bits out.

You can see in the box above, I didn’t take a chance on the other pieces. I smooshed them all to reveal their gooey innards. Really, RS, I only need the raspberry and the mint. And that creamy white goo that looks like mint, but isn’t … just leave that out. Same with the fake chocolate goo covered in good chocolate. That’s the equivalent of putting lipstick on a pig. Just don’t.

You can occasionally throw in an orange. I don’t hate the orange. And those knock off Butterfinger bits are tolerable. The caramels are basically the dental industry’s secret plot to cheat insurance companies by making sure your last few metal fillings get pulled out and replaced as soon into the new insurance year as possible. Leave those out too.

In fact, just don’t make ANY boxes with chocolates in them if you are going to be too cheap to include a map. Without a map, it’s like negotiating a field of chocolate landmines.

No one likes landmines.


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